Bucket List

So i've been doing this 30 day photo challenge on facebook, and today's picture was to be of something i want to do before i die.  I googled images for this... and i got alot of "bucket list" photos.  Then this led me to remember a conversation i've had repeatedly with my husband where he asks " What are your dreams?"  to which i respond "i'm too old to dream anymore" 

But i haven't stopped dreaming really, i just gave up on any of them coming true, some call me a pessimist, but i call myself a realist.  But i do have things i want to do before i die. Hence this blog.   So here are some things on my bucket list... they aren't in order of importance.

I want to sing on a stage for an audience of thousands.
I want to be told by someone famous that i sing wonderfully.
To perform privately for someone famous.
To meet Vince Neil and not get all stupid mushy and just talk to him.
I want to learn to play drums.
I want to go to broadway... as a performer or as an audience member.
I want to go to Ireland and visit a stone dance to hear the rocks sing.
I want to see a real fairy circle in Ireland.
I want to go to a real Irish pub, and have them build me a drink, and then actually drink it.
I want to stay in a castle.
I want to go to Disneyland.
Stay at the b&b that was the house where Lizzy Borden killed her family
Go to Lousiana and go on the haunted tour and see the graveyard where Marie Lavoe is buried.
Go to Salem, and Antietam maine and visit the haunted places there.
Stay in the hotel the Shining was based on.
( yes i'm a morbid wierd creature, deal with it)
I want to ride all the best rollercoasters in america.
I want to try the longhorn  challenge in Amarillo.
Go to Hershey PA
I want to get married in an actual church with a dress, a cake, rings and all the fixins.
I want a house of my own
Buy a new car with cash.
Want to be on a talk show
Want to be a part of a reality show.
I want to lead someone to Christ.
i want to save an unborn baby's life
I want 3 tattoos.
I want to be famous for a day.
Learn to drive a stick shift.
1/4 mile drag at top speed against my husband.
1 lap on a nascar track
Go to a Cherokee res. and learn about my ancestry
elective plastic surgery.
Win a lottery, or megabucks, or a jackpot with only 1 try



Well there it is, yeah i'm pretty shallow i guess, but most of those things mean something deep to me.  comments are welcome

Weird and Ranting: Proverbs 31 and other things

Background: In the past I have done a couple of studies regarding Proverbs 31 aka the Proverbial woman  or as I call it... the you suck as a wife chapter.  Anyway in my dealings it's always been negative, so when our women's ministry leader told me she was considering doing a study on Proverbs 31 here was my reply " I refuse to be a part of it, i will not be a part of it, i will not be here" 


Ok with that said, I knew our new semester of Virtuous Women( our womens ministry) was getting ready to start up again, i just didn't know what the topic was.  When i found out it was proverbs 31, i just sighed in relief because i knew i wasn't gonna need to find rides to monday nights and i could watch my shows on monday nights. UNTIL the fateful phone call.  Our womens ministry leader, Timberley, gave me a call one morning and informed me that someone had graciously paid for mine and nikki's registration for this new semester of study.  The voice in my head said " awww hell naw" and I was thinking " CRAP!!" now i have to go.  Well this past Monday 2/21/11 the new semester started.  We had orientation at the church. it went ok, but i was really not wanting to be there, no matter how many of the women i loved was there.  As Timberley and Pastor Lorri spoke i sat there arms crossed over my chest while they both said that this book would change my life, that it isn't anything like other studies done on this topic... to which i quickly rolled my eyes and thinking "yeah right, whatever, been there done that"
     After things were over I went to speak with Pastor Lorri, just to ask for prayer regarding things in my home i.e. jose's job, bills that needed to be paid, unemployment being idiots etc.  She took my hands and we began to pray, then out of nowhere she stops and says " I'm sorry, I can't even pray anymore, God is telling me that you are holding onto something very strongly and that you are fighting tooth and nail against something or trying to hold onto something" she looked me in the eyes and said "correct?"  I didn't even want to answer.  She paused on the prayer and called someone else to stand behind me as she prayed over me ( sidenote bunnytrail: last time she did this she called my son by name off the stage prayed over him and he fainted) All i could think was "i'm not going down i'm not going down" She began to pray, tears ran down my face, she let go of one of my hands and placed it on my forehead and continued praying that i just let go.  I didn't faint, but i did feel like warmth like i was submerged in warm soft water.  She finished and looked at me and asked me if I knew what it was that I was fighting against... I nodded and pointed to the book we were gonna start studying. She just nodded and said " I see".  I then confessed to here that I was also fighting within myself regarding her being a pastor over the church.  I have been taught that women can not and should not pastor a church.  Part of the war was because i felt like a total hypocrite cuz i have encouraged a dear friend of mine who is a female to go ahead in her schooling to be a pastor.  Pastor Lorri didn't get angry with me or anything, she smiled at me with that sweet smile and told me that she gets that alot.  We talked.... and let me tell you, yes, I had doubts about having a woman pastor, but I don't anymore.  I saw first hand too many times her recieving a word from the Lord, and she's never been wrong or off base.  Every message she teaches i weigh and measure against scripture.... it measures up just fine.


Now with all that said, i am studying my book on the Proverbial woman.  Everyone told me this one would be different than other studies. Well guess what??? Surprise Surprise... it's not.  As I have been reading all i get out of it is that I suck as a wife.  Well i'm getting tired of being told that either in words or actions.  I'm not perfect, I was not raised to be what I am.... i was told my whole life to go to college, get an education and a career and make good money so that I wouldn't have to rely on any man, or to marry rich so i didn't have to work and clean house because i was so so messy.  The book says there is a difference between Obedience and Submission, but in reality it looks the same when acted out.... you still end up doing something you don't want to do.  Not to mention i'm still angry with my husband who until now after 20 years didn't support my decisions regarding the house and how i managed it or how i wanted to manage it; i.e. giving the kids chores.  Now, after he spent 13 days home with the kids as i do every day has he realized that we need to be a team and work together in the home in keeping it orderly and clean.  OMG REALLY!!! now you see this, after the kids are grown and have no respect of any kind for our home and just leave messes where they want???? Now after the kids are grown and are out of teaching age???? GRRRRRR!!!!!  The book says that i'm to pray and wait for God to tell me things regarding my home and other decisions.....I'm really tired of hearing that cuz guess what GOD DOESN'T TELL ME ANYTHING, but seems he loves to talk to everyone else around me.  Plus when i ask " how do i hear God" no one can give me an answer.  Look, i do believe in God, i know he's there, I know he watches over me, i know he is in control; I am not struggling with faith, i'm struggling with the fact that I HEAR NOTHING FROM HIM.  My dear husband has told me over and over God has told him we need to do this or we need to do that, but it seems to me that if it's something WE should do then i should have been told too right????  The bare fact is this, I hate cleaning house in a home where no one gives a crap about it. No one respects what I do when i do it.  I've been cleaning house since i was 7 and back then it was torturous.... and i'm not exagerating....
I feel trapped.  I want to work, but i lack experience in anything useful... I always end up back home, I get it, it's where God wants me..... but I suck at it.  I'm tired of being clueless in God's plan regarding MY life.

Ok well I am home. And my journey to finding myself is getting better. I learned so much about where I came from. I spent more time with my dad in 12 days than I have in my whole life. Things I do certain lil habits that I have no idea where they came from; now I know. My grandmother Airlene, aka mamo, was an amazing gardner a wonder with plants. She planted seeds of her legacy in me when I was very young, before my earliest memories, they grew to fruition as I grew older. I had been afraid I had been a dissapointment to her and the family; I should have known better. She was proud of everything any of her children or grandchildren did. She was an amazing woman and I am proud to have been descended from her.

Going Home!!!!!

Praise the Lord, Hallelujah, and AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!!!  First i want to thank God for providing, HE provided an amazing pastor ( Lorri Conover) and an amazing Church( The River)  who diligently prayed and provided me a way to go home in order to see my grandma go HOME to Jesus.  I am not gonna lie this was one of the worst 4 days i've been through in a while.  I had NO control whatsoever, not a comfortable place to be for a control freak like myself.  I cried alot, i prayed alot, i had my husband pray with me alot.  I have such an amazing husband.... he kept me in check; letting me know when i was just actin a fool... yeah i know ME??? act a fool no way lol.  But i'm going home.  I'll be talking like Reba but it is what it is, i am who i am, an Okie at heart.  I will tell her i love her one last time, and i will make amends with my family; something that is sometimes overlooked in my own family.

to make amends

This past week has been a difficult one.  Some say it's a "stretching" of my faith that is needed for me to grow as a Christian. Others say i'm being put through the refiners fire so Christ can be more fully reflected in me.I don't really know... all i do know is it is really really painful.  from last sunday til fri the 21st i had a major case of strep throat. Spent 3 days in bed.  On the fourth day my husband comes home to announce he'd been laid off. 
     ( Side note to APWI.... thanks for the memories, it was good while it lasted... you lost one of the best men you could ever have as an employee.... I hope one day you realize that CA.)

Saturday the 22 i called okla to check on my grandmother only to find out, they've brought her home to pass...to go home to be with the Lord.  From the moment i heard i've been searching for a way to get home to tell her i love her before she passes.  See i missed that opportunity with my last grandmother and it ripped me to shreds for years that i didn't get to talk to her one last time.  I"m also killing myself with regret regarding this grandma.  I haven't seen her or spoken to her for around 7 years.  All because of selfishness.  Speaking to them, seeing them brought up alot of pain regarding my dad.  I always kind of felt almost like an obligation because he wasn't there, after i had my children, i also felt like i'd let them down... like i was no better than my mom who'd also gotten pregnant at 16.  I should have known better.  After my dad was released from prison and got his life cleaned up, i made a few attempts at involving him in my life once again... but it never happened.  I do take part of my responsibility in not informing them when i moved... IDK.... there was just alot of pain involved and to avoid the pain of my dad, i avoided some of the most loving people ever...and in turn i know i hurt them.  A few months ago i recieved a friend message on facebook from one of those family members.... i was shocked, mainly because i had tried to find some of them myself, i replied to her and then messaged her as to how and why she found me..... She told me that Grandma ( momo) had asked her to find me.  She never forgot me of gave up on me.  I really just want a chance to be there to tell her face to face, whether she can comprehend or not that I'm sorry, that I have loved her for my whole life and that if she would forgive me.

we have a couple of options for me to get home... but we have to wait.... i dont want to wait i want to be there now!!!!!  I know God has a plan, i know he's got this timed.... i just wish he'd give me a little bit of a hint.

In the Beginning...

The best stories start somewhere right??? In a galaxy far far away, once upon a time blah blah blah....  Mine begins in Oklahoma... yeah that's right Oklahoma.  Pretty much all my family is from Oklahoma.  I lived in Ok. for about 8 years of my life, short but not uneventful. My mom and dad married, divorced, married again and divorced again.  Mom tried to be a good single mom, I stayed with grandma alot, great grandma alot, and one uncle for about a year.  Mom did the best she could to protect me from things, but, small towns aren't too good for that.  I grew up hearing
" Oh, you're  SoandSo's daughter?   Well bless your heart"  in southern/redneck talk that is not a blessing, that's pity... and fodder for the church gossips.  My grandparents were pretty well known and popular people have popular problems... like my grandfather's  affair, then the divorce; my mom being the "black sheep" of the family.  What can i say she liked bad boys.   So yeah i got a lot of pitying looks growing up in one place. But in the place where my dad's family lived it was different.  yeah they all knew my dad's problem, but i wasn't my dad's problem so i was loved no matter what. 

Church was an integral part of my first 8 years in Oklahoma.  My great grandmother took me to First Baptist every sunday she could, and if i wasn't in town with her, my dad's mom took me to Church of Christ with her.  I don't remember a whole lot about church back then. I do remember coffee nips from great grandma, and from the other grandma, i remember sleeping in the pew with my head on her lap... or my aunts lap.  My most vivid memory of church didn't happen in either of those though.  This one occured at the Methodist church in town.  They were having a revival, great grandma decided we should go, cuz you can never have too much God or church. They showed a film about the end times.  You know, the mark of the beast, the anti-christ... anyway.... the film focused on a group of youth who didn't want or rather wouldn't take the "mark" so they were hunted by the police.  They were caught, a few gave in and were freed, but there was a few who still refused the mark, and they were sentenced to death.  Not too bad for a young girl of like 7 to see right???? Just wait.   How they were to die was by guillotine.... yeah Marie Antoinette's favorite toy LOL, I can hear the red queen now yelling OFF WITH HER HEAD.  Ok ok back on topic.... the main girl; who was cute, sweet, innocent looking all american girl was the last to die.  You see her being led to the guillotine, laid on it her head locked in... and then as the blade comes down it goes black.  The preacher begins his invitation.... " Which life do you choose??? Jesus or that"... and he pointed to the screen.  " if you want Jesus and heaven, come on down"  well let's just say I ran to the front, tears streaming down my face, total fear in my heart and mind that I would loose my head if i didn't choose Jesus.   Does that count??? I mean, salvation by coersion kinda right????  Well great grandma was thrilled and pretty darn proud of herself... and i was just glad i wasn't gonna loose my head.

My last year in Oklahoma, my mom married some DB.  I wasn't too thrilled cuz i wanted her back with my dad... which i didn't know at the time wasn't gonna happen ever.  I accepted it, cuz i had a pony :)   But in hindsight, it wasn't worth it.   Mom worked in a factory in another town, DB had his own welding shop in town where he made horse trailers.  I was home alone alot.  So it fell to me to do most of the chores.  I woke up at like 4 or 5 a.m. to do the morning chores; feed the dog and my horse, check the incubator, and then get ready for school and catch the  bus.  After dinner i was to do dishes... but i wasn't allowed to stand on anything and i couldn't really reach... well my arms began to get raw from reachin in and out of the soapy water.... it got bad.  My great grandma had a fit and went after DB, after that i could stand on a chair.  Except now the dishes were inspected, if one dish was dirty, they all went back in the water to be washed again... the process could last for hours.  Remember I was 7.  One night i was feeling sick, like i had a cold... DB told my mom he'd take care of it and he made me a Hot Toddy.... whiskey, honey and lemon... heated and drank.  I took one drink and i couldn't do it, it was horrible.... we sat there for what seemed like hours with him scowling at me sometimes yelling at me to drink it.  Then it was cold, and he still was yelling at me to drink it... i refused.  Mom finally spoke up and he reluctantly backed off and allowed me to go to bed.  Finally because of my mom's hours at the factory and DB's welding shop wasn't a good place for kids... mom found me a babysitter for weekends, and mornings before school.  Some of my memories of this time are a little foggy.... my mind just won't come clear for me.... this man was an older man... I don't know how my mom got the idea for me to stay with him, but she did and i did........  to make a long story short.... he abused me.  And there my friends is when the first mask was cast for me.

Introduction

Well welcome to my "pixielated" mind; which runs like a hamster wheel on meth :)

And the train of thought that runs through my head, is on tracks that look like a giant bowl of spaghetti.  There is not one single straight line of thought.  My name is Torri, i'm a wife, a mother, a sister a daughter, a Christian, a rebel; but I really don't know who I am. Which is why i'm writing this.  Perhaps in all my babblings, and ramblings i may just discover who i really am.  I usually am who i think others want me to be. I act like the mom i think others want me to be, i'm the wife I think he wants me to be etc etc...

Don't get me wrong, some of those things are all well and good... and sometimes their ideas and expectations don't fit, like spandex on a fat person... believe me i know. For so many years i've put on different masks for different people, different situations; and for what?  So that i will be liked, or accepted.

But, the masks are all starting to get old, and cracked; i can't remember which mask i used for which person or which place. It's a mess.  I really want to find out who i am.  Am i that person from 25 years ago, that vibrant silly flirtatious person, am I this serious, fun sucker, worrisome person.  Maybe i'm none of it, maybe i'm all of it, maybe i'm a combination of them. Who knows.

well keep comin back and join me in my journey :)