This past week has been a difficult one. Some say it's a "stretching" of my faith that is needed for me to grow as a Christian. Others say i'm being put through the refiners fire so Christ can be more fully reflected in me.I don't really know... all i do know is it is really really painful. from last sunday til fri the 21st i had a major case of strep throat. Spent 3 days in bed. On the fourth day my husband comes home to announce he'd been laid off.
( Side note to APWI.... thanks for the memories, it was good while it lasted... you lost one of the best men you could ever have as an employee.... I hope one day you realize that CA.)
Saturday the 22 i called okla to check on my grandmother only to find out, they've brought her home to pass...to go home to be with the Lord. From the moment i heard i've been searching for a way to get home to tell her i love her before she passes. See i missed that opportunity with my last grandmother and it ripped me to shreds for years that i didn't get to talk to her one last time. I"m also killing myself with regret regarding this grandma. I haven't seen her or spoken to her for around 7 years. All because of selfishness. Speaking to them, seeing them brought up alot of pain regarding my dad. I always kind of felt almost like an obligation because he wasn't there, after i had my children, i also felt like i'd let them down... like i was no better than my mom who'd also gotten pregnant at 16. I should have known better. After my dad was released from prison and got his life cleaned up, i made a few attempts at involving him in my life once again... but it never happened. I do take part of my responsibility in not informing them when i moved... IDK.... there was just alot of pain involved and to avoid the pain of my dad, i avoided some of the most loving people ever...and in turn i know i hurt them. A few months ago i recieved a friend message on facebook from one of those family members.... i was shocked, mainly because i had tried to find some of them myself, i replied to her and then messaged her as to how and why she found me..... She told me that Grandma ( momo) had asked her to find me. She never forgot me of gave up on me. I really just want a chance to be there to tell her face to face, whether she can comprehend or not that I'm sorry, that I have loved her for my whole life and that if she would forgive me.
we have a couple of options for me to get home... but we have to wait.... i dont want to wait i want to be there now!!!!! I know God has a plan, i know he's got this timed.... i just wish he'd give me a little bit of a hint.
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