Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Going Home!!!!!
Praise the Lord, Hallelujah, and AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!!! First i want to thank God for providing, HE provided an amazing pastor ( Lorri Conover) and an amazing Church( The River) who diligently prayed and provided me a way to go home in order to see my grandma go HOME to Jesus. I am not gonna lie this was one of the worst 4 days i've been through in a while. I had NO control whatsoever, not a comfortable place to be for a control freak like myself. I cried alot, i prayed alot, i had my husband pray with me alot. I have such an amazing husband.... he kept me in check; letting me know when i was just actin a fool... yeah i know ME??? act a fool no way lol. But i'm going home. I'll be talking like Reba but it is what it is, i am who i am, an Okie at heart. I will tell her i love her one last time, and i will make amends with my family; something that is sometimes overlooked in my own family.
Monday, January 24, 2011
to make amends
This past week has been a difficult one. Some say it's a "stretching" of my faith that is needed for me to grow as a Christian. Others say i'm being put through the refiners fire so Christ can be more fully reflected in me.I don't really know... all i do know is it is really really painful. from last sunday til fri the 21st i had a major case of strep throat. Spent 3 days in bed. On the fourth day my husband comes home to announce he'd been laid off.
( Side note to APWI.... thanks for the memories, it was good while it lasted... you lost one of the best men you could ever have as an employee.... I hope one day you realize that CA.)
Saturday the 22 i called okla to check on my grandmother only to find out, they've brought her home to pass...to go home to be with the Lord. From the moment i heard i've been searching for a way to get home to tell her i love her before she passes. See i missed that opportunity with my last grandmother and it ripped me to shreds for years that i didn't get to talk to her one last time. I"m also killing myself with regret regarding this grandma. I haven't seen her or spoken to her for around 7 years. All because of selfishness. Speaking to them, seeing them brought up alot of pain regarding my dad. I always kind of felt almost like an obligation because he wasn't there, after i had my children, i also felt like i'd let them down... like i was no better than my mom who'd also gotten pregnant at 16. I should have known better. After my dad was released from prison and got his life cleaned up, i made a few attempts at involving him in my life once again... but it never happened. I do take part of my responsibility in not informing them when i moved... IDK.... there was just alot of pain involved and to avoid the pain of my dad, i avoided some of the most loving people ever...and in turn i know i hurt them. A few months ago i recieved a friend message on facebook from one of those family members.... i was shocked, mainly because i had tried to find some of them myself, i replied to her and then messaged her as to how and why she found me..... She told me that Grandma ( momo) had asked her to find me. She never forgot me of gave up on me. I really just want a chance to be there to tell her face to face, whether she can comprehend or not that I'm sorry, that I have loved her for my whole life and that if she would forgive me.
we have a couple of options for me to get home... but we have to wait.... i dont want to wait i want to be there now!!!!! I know God has a plan, i know he's got this timed.... i just wish he'd give me a little bit of a hint.
( Side note to APWI.... thanks for the memories, it was good while it lasted... you lost one of the best men you could ever have as an employee.... I hope one day you realize that CA.)
Saturday the 22 i called okla to check on my grandmother only to find out, they've brought her home to pass...to go home to be with the Lord. From the moment i heard i've been searching for a way to get home to tell her i love her before she passes. See i missed that opportunity with my last grandmother and it ripped me to shreds for years that i didn't get to talk to her one last time. I"m also killing myself with regret regarding this grandma. I haven't seen her or spoken to her for around 7 years. All because of selfishness. Speaking to them, seeing them brought up alot of pain regarding my dad. I always kind of felt almost like an obligation because he wasn't there, after i had my children, i also felt like i'd let them down... like i was no better than my mom who'd also gotten pregnant at 16. I should have known better. After my dad was released from prison and got his life cleaned up, i made a few attempts at involving him in my life once again... but it never happened. I do take part of my responsibility in not informing them when i moved... IDK.... there was just alot of pain involved and to avoid the pain of my dad, i avoided some of the most loving people ever...and in turn i know i hurt them. A few months ago i recieved a friend message on facebook from one of those family members.... i was shocked, mainly because i had tried to find some of them myself, i replied to her and then messaged her as to how and why she found me..... She told me that Grandma ( momo) had asked her to find me. She never forgot me of gave up on me. I really just want a chance to be there to tell her face to face, whether she can comprehend or not that I'm sorry, that I have loved her for my whole life and that if she would forgive me.
we have a couple of options for me to get home... but we have to wait.... i dont want to wait i want to be there now!!!!! I know God has a plan, i know he's got this timed.... i just wish he'd give me a little bit of a hint.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
In the Beginning...
The best stories start somewhere right??? In a galaxy far far away, once upon a time blah blah blah.... Mine begins in Oklahoma... yeah that's right Oklahoma. Pretty much all my family is from Oklahoma. I lived in Ok. for about 8 years of my life, short but not uneventful. My mom and dad married, divorced, married again and divorced again. Mom tried to be a good single mom, I stayed with grandma alot, great grandma alot, and one uncle for about a year. Mom did the best she could to protect me from things, but, small towns aren't too good for that. I grew up hearing
" Oh, you're SoandSo's daughter? Well bless your heart" in southern/redneck talk that is not a blessing, that's pity... and fodder for the church gossips. My grandparents were pretty well known and popular people have popular problems... like my grandfather's affair, then the divorce; my mom being the "black sheep" of the family. What can i say she liked bad boys. So yeah i got a lot of pitying looks growing up in one place. But in the place where my dad's family lived it was different. yeah they all knew my dad's problem, but i wasn't my dad's problem so i was loved no matter what.
Church was an integral part of my first 8 years in Oklahoma. My great grandmother took me to First Baptist every sunday she could, and if i wasn't in town with her, my dad's mom took me to Church of Christ with her. I don't remember a whole lot about church back then. I do remember coffee nips from great grandma, and from the other grandma, i remember sleeping in the pew with my head on her lap... or my aunts lap. My most vivid memory of church didn't happen in either of those though. This one occured at the Methodist church in town. They were having a revival, great grandma decided we should go, cuz you can never have too much God or church. They showed a film about the end times. You know, the mark of the beast, the anti-christ... anyway.... the film focused on a group of youth who didn't want or rather wouldn't take the "mark" so they were hunted by the police. They were caught, a few gave in and were freed, but there was a few who still refused the mark, and they were sentenced to death. Not too bad for a young girl of like 7 to see right???? Just wait. How they were to die was by guillotine.... yeah Marie Antoinette's favorite toy LOL, I can hear the red queen now yelling OFF WITH HER HEAD. Ok ok back on topic.... the main girl; who was cute, sweet, innocent looking all american girl was the last to die. You see her being led to the guillotine, laid on it her head locked in... and then as the blade comes down it goes black. The preacher begins his invitation.... " Which life do you choose??? Jesus or that"... and he pointed to the screen. " if you want Jesus and heaven, come on down" well let's just say I ran to the front, tears streaming down my face, total fear in my heart and mind that I would loose my head if i didn't choose Jesus. Does that count??? I mean, salvation by coersion kinda right???? Well great grandma was thrilled and pretty darn proud of herself... and i was just glad i wasn't gonna loose my head.
My last year in Oklahoma, my mom married some DB. I wasn't too thrilled cuz i wanted her back with my dad... which i didn't know at the time wasn't gonna happen ever. I accepted it, cuz i had a pony :) But in hindsight, it wasn't worth it. Mom worked in a factory in another town, DB had his own welding shop in town where he made horse trailers. I was home alone alot. So it fell to me to do most of the chores. I woke up at like 4 or 5 a.m. to do the morning chores; feed the dog and my horse, check the incubator, and then get ready for school and catch the bus. After dinner i was to do dishes... but i wasn't allowed to stand on anything and i couldn't really reach... well my arms began to get raw from reachin in and out of the soapy water.... it got bad. My great grandma had a fit and went after DB, after that i could stand on a chair. Except now the dishes were inspected, if one dish was dirty, they all went back in the water to be washed again... the process could last for hours. Remember I was 7. One night i was feeling sick, like i had a cold... DB told my mom he'd take care of it and he made me a Hot Toddy.... whiskey, honey and lemon... heated and drank. I took one drink and i couldn't do it, it was horrible.... we sat there for what seemed like hours with him scowling at me sometimes yelling at me to drink it. Then it was cold, and he still was yelling at me to drink it... i refused. Mom finally spoke up and he reluctantly backed off and allowed me to go to bed. Finally because of my mom's hours at the factory and DB's welding shop wasn't a good place for kids... mom found me a babysitter for weekends, and mornings before school. Some of my memories of this time are a little foggy.... my mind just won't come clear for me.... this man was an older man... I don't know how my mom got the idea for me to stay with him, but she did and i did........ to make a long story short.... he abused me. And there my friends is when the first mask was cast for me.
" Oh, you're SoandSo's daughter? Well bless your heart" in southern/redneck talk that is not a blessing, that's pity... and fodder for the church gossips. My grandparents were pretty well known and popular people have popular problems... like my grandfather's affair, then the divorce; my mom being the "black sheep" of the family. What can i say she liked bad boys. So yeah i got a lot of pitying looks growing up in one place. But in the place where my dad's family lived it was different. yeah they all knew my dad's problem, but i wasn't my dad's problem so i was loved no matter what.
Church was an integral part of my first 8 years in Oklahoma. My great grandmother took me to First Baptist every sunday she could, and if i wasn't in town with her, my dad's mom took me to Church of Christ with her. I don't remember a whole lot about church back then. I do remember coffee nips from great grandma, and from the other grandma, i remember sleeping in the pew with my head on her lap... or my aunts lap. My most vivid memory of church didn't happen in either of those though. This one occured at the Methodist church in town. They were having a revival, great grandma decided we should go, cuz you can never have too much God or church. They showed a film about the end times. You know, the mark of the beast, the anti-christ... anyway.... the film focused on a group of youth who didn't want or rather wouldn't take the "mark" so they were hunted by the police. They were caught, a few gave in and were freed, but there was a few who still refused the mark, and they were sentenced to death. Not too bad for a young girl of like 7 to see right???? Just wait. How they were to die was by guillotine.... yeah Marie Antoinette's favorite toy LOL, I can hear the red queen now yelling OFF WITH HER HEAD. Ok ok back on topic.... the main girl; who was cute, sweet, innocent looking all american girl was the last to die. You see her being led to the guillotine, laid on it her head locked in... and then as the blade comes down it goes black. The preacher begins his invitation.... " Which life do you choose??? Jesus or that"... and he pointed to the screen. " if you want Jesus and heaven, come on down" well let's just say I ran to the front, tears streaming down my face, total fear in my heart and mind that I would loose my head if i didn't choose Jesus. Does that count??? I mean, salvation by coersion kinda right???? Well great grandma was thrilled and pretty darn proud of herself... and i was just glad i wasn't gonna loose my head.
My last year in Oklahoma, my mom married some DB. I wasn't too thrilled cuz i wanted her back with my dad... which i didn't know at the time wasn't gonna happen ever. I accepted it, cuz i had a pony :) But in hindsight, it wasn't worth it. Mom worked in a factory in another town, DB had his own welding shop in town where he made horse trailers. I was home alone alot. So it fell to me to do most of the chores. I woke up at like 4 or 5 a.m. to do the morning chores; feed the dog and my horse, check the incubator, and then get ready for school and catch the bus. After dinner i was to do dishes... but i wasn't allowed to stand on anything and i couldn't really reach... well my arms began to get raw from reachin in and out of the soapy water.... it got bad. My great grandma had a fit and went after DB, after that i could stand on a chair. Except now the dishes were inspected, if one dish was dirty, they all went back in the water to be washed again... the process could last for hours. Remember I was 7. One night i was feeling sick, like i had a cold... DB told my mom he'd take care of it and he made me a Hot Toddy.... whiskey, honey and lemon... heated and drank. I took one drink and i couldn't do it, it was horrible.... we sat there for what seemed like hours with him scowling at me sometimes yelling at me to drink it. Then it was cold, and he still was yelling at me to drink it... i refused. Mom finally spoke up and he reluctantly backed off and allowed me to go to bed. Finally because of my mom's hours at the factory and DB's welding shop wasn't a good place for kids... mom found me a babysitter for weekends, and mornings before school. Some of my memories of this time are a little foggy.... my mind just won't come clear for me.... this man was an older man... I don't know how my mom got the idea for me to stay with him, but she did and i did........ to make a long story short.... he abused me. And there my friends is when the first mask was cast for me.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Introduction
Well welcome to my "pixielated" mind; which runs like a hamster wheel on meth :)
And the train of thought that runs through my head, is on tracks that look like a giant bowl of spaghetti. There is not one single straight line of thought. My name is Torri, i'm a wife, a mother, a sister a daughter, a Christian, a rebel; but I really don't know who I am. Which is why i'm writing this. Perhaps in all my babblings, and ramblings i may just discover who i really am. I usually am who i think others want me to be. I act like the mom i think others want me to be, i'm the wife I think he wants me to be etc etc...
Don't get me wrong, some of those things are all well and good... and sometimes their ideas and expectations don't fit, like spandex on a fat person... believe me i know. For so many years i've put on different masks for different people, different situations; and for what? So that i will be liked, or accepted.
But, the masks are all starting to get old, and cracked; i can't remember which mask i used for which person or which place. It's a mess. I really want to find out who i am. Am i that person from 25 years ago, that vibrant silly flirtatious person, am I this serious, fun sucker, worrisome person. Maybe i'm none of it, maybe i'm all of it, maybe i'm a combination of them. Who knows.
well keep comin back and join me in my journey :)
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