Weird and Ranting: Proverbs 31 and other things

Background: In the past I have done a couple of studies regarding Proverbs 31 aka the Proverbial woman  or as I call it... the you suck as a wife chapter.  Anyway in my dealings it's always been negative, so when our women's ministry leader told me she was considering doing a study on Proverbs 31 here was my reply " I refuse to be a part of it, i will not be a part of it, i will not be here" 


Ok with that said, I knew our new semester of Virtuous Women( our womens ministry) was getting ready to start up again, i just didn't know what the topic was.  When i found out it was proverbs 31, i just sighed in relief because i knew i wasn't gonna need to find rides to monday nights and i could watch my shows on monday nights. UNTIL the fateful phone call.  Our womens ministry leader, Timberley, gave me a call one morning and informed me that someone had graciously paid for mine and nikki's registration for this new semester of study.  The voice in my head said " awww hell naw" and I was thinking " CRAP!!" now i have to go.  Well this past Monday 2/21/11 the new semester started.  We had orientation at the church. it went ok, but i was really not wanting to be there, no matter how many of the women i loved was there.  As Timberley and Pastor Lorri spoke i sat there arms crossed over my chest while they both said that this book would change my life, that it isn't anything like other studies done on this topic... to which i quickly rolled my eyes and thinking "yeah right, whatever, been there done that"
     After things were over I went to speak with Pastor Lorri, just to ask for prayer regarding things in my home i.e. jose's job, bills that needed to be paid, unemployment being idiots etc.  She took my hands and we began to pray, then out of nowhere she stops and says " I'm sorry, I can't even pray anymore, God is telling me that you are holding onto something very strongly and that you are fighting tooth and nail against something or trying to hold onto something" she looked me in the eyes and said "correct?"  I didn't even want to answer.  She paused on the prayer and called someone else to stand behind me as she prayed over me ( sidenote bunnytrail: last time she did this she called my son by name off the stage prayed over him and he fainted) All i could think was "i'm not going down i'm not going down" She began to pray, tears ran down my face, she let go of one of my hands and placed it on my forehead and continued praying that i just let go.  I didn't faint, but i did feel like warmth like i was submerged in warm soft water.  She finished and looked at me and asked me if I knew what it was that I was fighting against... I nodded and pointed to the book we were gonna start studying. She just nodded and said " I see".  I then confessed to here that I was also fighting within myself regarding her being a pastor over the church.  I have been taught that women can not and should not pastor a church.  Part of the war was because i felt like a total hypocrite cuz i have encouraged a dear friend of mine who is a female to go ahead in her schooling to be a pastor.  Pastor Lorri didn't get angry with me or anything, she smiled at me with that sweet smile and told me that she gets that alot.  We talked.... and let me tell you, yes, I had doubts about having a woman pastor, but I don't anymore.  I saw first hand too many times her recieving a word from the Lord, and she's never been wrong or off base.  Every message she teaches i weigh and measure against scripture.... it measures up just fine.


Now with all that said, i am studying my book on the Proverbial woman.  Everyone told me this one would be different than other studies. Well guess what??? Surprise Surprise... it's not.  As I have been reading all i get out of it is that I suck as a wife.  Well i'm getting tired of being told that either in words or actions.  I'm not perfect, I was not raised to be what I am.... i was told my whole life to go to college, get an education and a career and make good money so that I wouldn't have to rely on any man, or to marry rich so i didn't have to work and clean house because i was so so messy.  The book says there is a difference between Obedience and Submission, but in reality it looks the same when acted out.... you still end up doing something you don't want to do.  Not to mention i'm still angry with my husband who until now after 20 years didn't support my decisions regarding the house and how i managed it or how i wanted to manage it; i.e. giving the kids chores.  Now, after he spent 13 days home with the kids as i do every day has he realized that we need to be a team and work together in the home in keeping it orderly and clean.  OMG REALLY!!! now you see this, after the kids are grown and have no respect of any kind for our home and just leave messes where they want???? Now after the kids are grown and are out of teaching age???? GRRRRRR!!!!!  The book says that i'm to pray and wait for God to tell me things regarding my home and other decisions.....I'm really tired of hearing that cuz guess what GOD DOESN'T TELL ME ANYTHING, but seems he loves to talk to everyone else around me.  Plus when i ask " how do i hear God" no one can give me an answer.  Look, i do believe in God, i know he's there, I know he watches over me, i know he is in control; I am not struggling with faith, i'm struggling with the fact that I HEAR NOTHING FROM HIM.  My dear husband has told me over and over God has told him we need to do this or we need to do that, but it seems to me that if it's something WE should do then i should have been told too right????  The bare fact is this, I hate cleaning house in a home where no one gives a crap about it. No one respects what I do when i do it.  I've been cleaning house since i was 7 and back then it was torturous.... and i'm not exagerating....
I feel trapped.  I want to work, but i lack experience in anything useful... I always end up back home, I get it, it's where God wants me..... but I suck at it.  I'm tired of being clueless in God's plan regarding MY life.

Ok well I am home. And my journey to finding myself is getting better. I learned so much about where I came from. I spent more time with my dad in 12 days than I have in my whole life. Things I do certain lil habits that I have no idea where they came from; now I know. My grandmother Airlene, aka mamo, was an amazing gardner a wonder with plants. She planted seeds of her legacy in me when I was very young, before my earliest memories, they grew to fruition as I grew older. I had been afraid I had been a dissapointment to her and the family; I should have known better. She was proud of everything any of her children or grandchildren did. She was an amazing woman and I am proud to have been descended from her.